Have Yourself A Happy, Work Free Winter
By Milo | September 13, 2005
The nights are shorter, the leaves are tuning brown and the distinct chill in the morning air can mean only one thing.
Yes, it’s time to use some of that hard earned sick leave.
But rather than waste your time with the traditional short term maladies why not join the new sickness craze taking over Britain. The reason 43% of us will be at home contentedly watching Trisha instead of staring blankly at a VDU? Stress, depression and anxiety (or a combo of all 3 if you’ve really hit the jackpot).
The suits may not like it but HR departments are forcing them to recognise the wretched state of our mental health. Forget the common cold, ‘flu or food poisoning, this is the most fail safe sickie you can ever take AND it’s a minimum of 4 weeks lying on your couch in a blissful vegetative state. What’s better, the more sickeningly active are at liberty to flounce around town in an effort to restore the happy brain juice (aka seratonin) that the menial labour has sucked away.
Doubtless there are some first-timers out there so here’s Digby’s guide to a toil free winter:-
STEP 1
Book an appointment with your GP. Remember the voice on the phone is only a receptionist and thereby plays a minor role in the achievement of sickie nirvana. Save those acting talents for the big gig.
STEP 2
On the way to the appointment listen to something that convinces you that the world is indeed a worthless place and not worth living in. Some of us are one sad song from a breakdown as is, so be careful with that dosage of musical misery. Depending on the source of your ‘symptoms’ here are my recommendations…
Separation or Divorce ‘Almost Blue’ by Chet Baker
Child or Spousal Abuse ‘Evil’ by Red House Painters
My Life is Worthless ‘Failure’ by The Swans
Full System Crash ‘Dying From the Inside Out’ by The Golden Palominoes
Alcohol Abuse ‘Lately I’ve Let Things Slide’ by Nick Lowe
Poddie Trumpets Please Note: The majority of these artists have chronic mental ailments and can’t leave the house, never mind tour the country and as such they depend on the paltry income from the royalties on these tracks. So maybe pay for some music for a change.
Please remember that faux depression inducing music will not fly, so please disregard that Eels album.
STEP 3
The performance! Always, ALWAYS refrain from hamming it up with a doctor.
DO mumble, stare at the ground and take shallow, shuddery breaths.
DO NOT jerk your head around or shake your hands frantically. You’re depressed. You’re not Michael J. Fox after a bowl of Smarties.
Happily most doctors despise the mentally afflicted and truly can’t be bothered with them. In most cases you’ll get a sickline for a month and a year’s supply of Citalopram (great with red wine) on the spot.
If you’re struggling ask the doctor if your Consultant Psychiatrist sister can call them to query the diagnosis. Otherwise save this blag for month two.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Coming in Part Two…
How To Successfully Exploit Therapy For Long Term Absence.
Please read up on the fundamentals of Jungian psychoanalysis before attempting this.
1 Comment
Anonymous on 13/09/2005 at 9:36 pm.
Good advice, however I find Eels are quite depressing.