Have Yourself A Happy, Work Free Winter Part 2

By Milo | September 23, 2005

Well, by now I’m hoping you’ve successfully completed Part 1 and have merrily jammed two fingers up at your daylight torturers. You’re discovering the exhilerating pleasure of laughing at your alarm clock. Of being able to indulge in chronic bouts of self abuse that make you feel more alive than at any time in your miserable life.
But wait! Is that a dark light at the end of this radiant daytime tunnel? Is that the spectre of a No. 29 bus racing towards you? ‘Uncle Digby make it stop!’, I hear you cry. ‘Make the bad work man go away!’, you insistently plead. Fear not work shy fop, your imploring squeak noises do not fall on deaf ears.

STEP 4

Get yourself into therapy. And quickly. The therapist (the third cousin twice removed of the proper doctor) exists not only to make perfunctory observations about the plebs on Big Brother. Suprisingly, these hastily trained brain monkeys will help extend your sickline ad infinitum, so long as you can deal with their innate ability to say little bar the obvious.
Getting referred by your ‘real’ doctor couldn’t be easier- simply threaten to visit them again for anything other than a repeat prescription of your happy pills. As previously stated, a few years of intense patient hadling makes a typical GP more misanthropic than Jeffrey Dahmer.

STEP 5

Now this is where it gets a little tricky. Your pleasurable eight wanks-a-day existence will need to be interrupted at least once a week for a short period of deeply irritating soft core psychology in order to extend that precious sick leave.
However, in order to beat the therapist one must THINK like the therapist. Remember the malcontent from Uni who could talk endless semi-serious nonsense but couldn’t change a lightbulb? Well, he’s now a fully qualified Therapist. And he has a printout to prove it. Usually visible at the far end of the room beside his First Aid certificate and 100 metre swimming badge.
Rather fortunately a therapist, unlike a real psychiatrist, loves to hear the hollow timbre of his shallow wisdom echo around that tiny room so you don’t need to fabricate too much. He’ll likely have graduated from his four week internet course specialising in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Never try to understand this, just tell them you’ve read the book they recommended. Just sit back, grit your teeth, let them ramble nonsense about positive behaviour and mentally project lesions onto their face. The longest hour of your week will be up before you know it.
One note of caution here- NEVER, even unwittingly, outsmart them. I once started taking the Jungian psycho-anaylitical tact about the mind being the mythical maze and my journey through it to face the minotaur that represents all my fears. Only unprovoked anal sex will ever result in an expression so obviously angry and confused.

STEP 6

Huzzah! You’ve completed the course. You’re now more qualified than the waste of skin you visit once a week. Simply repeat the previous five steps until the company refuse to pay you anymore.
And remember that mental fragility. The first time you’re boss asks you to do something a bit awkward, or if you can’t be bothered doing it, it’s time for another breakdown.

Then you’re ready for Module 2:
GETTING MEDICAL REDUNDANCY.

1 Comment

Anonymous on 24/09/2005 at 9:35 am.

Only 8 wanks a day!?! What, haven’t your balls dropped or something? Faggot…